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07 June 2017 @ 09:51 pm
And back  
I dropped off of LJ for awhile, mostly stuck to chatting with people. I didn't really want to deal with life.

My brother passed away at the beginning of April. I'm mostly dealing with it but I still have days where I just start crying. I was on my way home the other day and went passed the Baskins Robbins he took me to the last time I saw him and just completely broke down and started crying. Didn't stop for the next 30 minutes. Hell, I'm starting to cry right now just thinking about it. The littlest things make me think of him and then I just cry and I have no idea when that's going to stop.

A month later, one of my cousins killed himself when his depression became too much. We weren't close, hell, we hadn't spoken in years. We hung out when we happened to be in the same town but it was still horrible to hear. But it still makes me sad because I remember him as a kid and he was always laughing and running around and I hate that that changed for him.

Most recently, I worked myself to the point of sickness. Going in early, staying late. And now I've been sick for over a week and because where I work doesn't give separate bereavement leave, I had to use my sick leave after my brother died. So I've been going in to work because I've got basically no sick leave left.

I didn't feel like writing for pretty clear reasons but I also wanted to try and use writing as a way to deal. Didn't really work, I mostly ended up reading for the next month and nothing else and it's just been in the last month or so that I've started getting really back in to things. I'll have to catch up on posting some of those to LJ soon. And I'm forever grateful to the Legends Crew because they're some of the only people that have been able to really make me smile and haven't made me feel weird about going quiet and then just popping back in whenever I'm ready. Legends fandom in general has been pretty great.

Still, I'm tired of crying. I'm tired of feeling sad. I'm tired of having to put on a happy face on days when I feel anything but. I'm tired of people that I'm supposed to be able to trust using me.

I suppose I'm just waiting for things to start getting better again.
Tags:
 
 
Feeling: sadsad
 
 
 
Elisabeth: New Girl: Friendsdragonydreams on June 9th, 2017 01:07 am (UTC)
::hugs you tight:: We're here whenever you need us.
Nicole: Caity and Katie - smileblue_icy_rose on June 9th, 2017 03:35 am (UTC)
I can't tell you how grateful I've been for you guys and how big a help you've been, even if I've just checked the chat and not talked. Still made me smile. *hugs*
avamclean: btvs: buffy & dawnavamclean on June 9th, 2017 01:47 am (UTC)
I’m so sorry, sweetie.

It’s never easy to lose a loved one and I wish there was a set timeframe I could offer for when the emotions will level out. You’ll have good days and bad and sometimes you’ll even feel bad for having a good day, but (as cliché as it sounds) I’ve come to realize that only time helps this particular type of heart-wound.

I’m glad you have a good group of people around you to help you through it. Sometimes having online friends makes it easier to discuss the emotional stuff because they aren’t with you in the day to day and tend to be more objective and better at finding the lighter moments.

Lots of love and virtual hugs.
Nicole: Rue - here is the place that I love youblue_icy_rose on June 9th, 2017 03:42 am (UTC)
Thank you so much. *hugs*

It may be cliche but it still helps to hear (so to speak) that time will help. Little things help - I still have a few voicemails he left me saved and maybe that's just torturing myself but at the same time I still get to hear his voice.

They've been lifesavers and you're right about online friends being more objective, etc. I had at least one RL friend who readily admitted she was pushing because she felt guilty over something so was ignoring what I said even after she asked what I needed. So online friends and a few RL friends became the ones I went to instead.

*hugs* Thanks again, Ava.
Katy  ₪ ø lll ·o.: Flash - Snowbarrygrappig47 on June 17th, 2017 03:19 am (UTC)
Oh my gosh Nicole! i am so so so so so so so so SOOOO sorry to hear this! I can't believe this! I know how you feel where my dad passed away back in September. I started crying just writing what little I did about just moments with him. I hate this for you, and I hope you find peace soon. I know we don't talk much anymore, but please know I am always here for you! Do not hesitate to reach out! *hugs* love you!