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30 January 2006 @ 11:28 pm
Fic: Cut Off 'Cause I Can't Remember (Veronica, Logan)  
Title: Cut Off 'Cause I Can't Remember
Author: Nicole
Rating: PG-13
Pairing/Character: Veronica, Logan
Summary: The morning after Shelley's party, Veronica wakes up to Logan. This is not going to lead to the two of them living happily ever after, folks. AU. Title and lyrics in story are from the song "Therapy" by Finger Eleven. The lyrics that appear in the story are not in the order they come in from the song, I just chose what I thought fit each section.
Spoilers/Warnings: Season 1. This is not meant to offend anyone and I apologize ahead of time if that is the case. Fans of Logan-be prepared for him to let loose on Veronica with harsh words.
Disclaimer: They belong to Rob Thomas. I just borrow them.
Author's Note: I've been trying to write something happy for the song fics but I was finding ways to turn even the positive songs into angst so I decided I had to get that out of my system first. Since this idea had been in the back of my mind for awhile, this was the result. I'm hoping I handled this well and feel free to leave feedback. It's always welcome.


Wide awake in the beginning
Trembling after the fall
Only half my world remembers
While the other half revolves


Logan groaned, keeping his eyes closed. He raised a hand and ran it down his face. He wasn’t sure what the hell had happened but he was sure that once he opened his eyes he’d know. He took a deep breath, ignoring the warmth at his side as he thought back to what he remembered from the night before.

“Hey, what are you doing?” Dick asked as Logan walked up and swiped the cup from his hand with a smirk.

“I’m pretty sure this is called taking your drink,” he replied. He didn’t give a second’s thought as he drained it.

The pain of losing Lilly was still fresh, raw, cutting. Logan knew from experience that he may not be able to get rid of it completely but he could come close by drowning the pain in alcohol. He’d been working on that since before the party and he’d continue to do so now.

He’d forget it all, even if it was just for a little while.


Logan fought back another groan. He’d forgotten—that much was clear. And he didn’t remember the last time he’d drank so much he couldn’t immediately remember what he’d done. He was also pretty sure he had a bit of a hangover.

Opening his eyes, he was surprised to see that the light wasn’t all that bad. There was a moment’s hesitation where he debated on whether or not he should look at the person next to him and then he swung his legs over the edge and turned his back to them, trying to think of what may have happened.

But all he knew for sure was he had the beginnings of a headache, he felt relaxed in a way that told him he’d definitely gotten some, and he couldn’t remember a damn thing.

Sighing, he stood and moved to the glass doors, pressing his forehead against the cool surface. It was soothing in a way and he closed his eyes, taking a couple deep breaths. He stayed that way for a few more moments before he opened his eyes. He stepped back and glanced at the floor, his eyes moving around until they landed on his boxers and he grabbed them, pulling them on. Only then did he finally turn and look at the bed.

He immediately wished he hadn’t.

Logan stared at Veronica for a few moments before he shook his head. There was no way. There was no way he’d slept with Veronica Mars last night. He couldn’t have been that drunk.

Even as he shook his head in denial, she stirred, her eyes slowly opening as she sat up and looked around the room. The second her eyes landed on Logan, she froze, her eyes widening.

Veronica glanced away, wincing at the way her head seemed to swim at the movement. She didn’t know what Logan was doing there, she didn’t even know if she was still at Shelley’s or not. She looked down, letting her eyes wander towards the wall and sucked in a breath as she saw her underwear on the ground and she shifted, wincing again because she was sore in places she’d never been sore before.

She turned back to Logan as he angrily grabbed his pants and yanked them on. He glared over at her.

“So, what was this? You thought you could be one of us again if you slept with one of us?” Logan demanded. Veronica’s eyes widened.

“What-“ she started. Logan cut her off.

“Or were you just trying to replace Lilly?” He didn’t wait for an answer as he snatched his shirt off the foot of the bed and pulled it over his head.

Veronica felt as if he’d punched her in the stomach. She didn’t know why Logan would think that, she didn’t know how he could think that.

But then, she’d never thought that Logan would ever treat her as if she were nothing more than dirt either.

It took a few more moments before she was able to actually speak. “How can you say that?” Her voice was practically a whisper as she asked the question, hoping briefly that he’d be able to see that she just didn’t know. A bitter laugh was her answer.

“How? You want to know how I can say that? Funny, Veronica, I want to know how you can walk around acting as if Lilly were your friend even as you agree with the way your dad tried to destroy her family.” He shook his head. “Look at yourself. Coming to the party with your makeup done heavier than usual and heels. Trying to look older even as you wear a dress that screams virgin.” He shook his head. “Though I guess that’s not the case anymore is it?”

He ignored the way she paled at that, letting his anger at her, at himself for letting this happen take over. He didn’t pause to think, he just let out all the anger he’d been holding in since they’d put Lilly in the ground.

“I wasn’t trying to…to…” Veronica’s voice trailed off as if she didn’t know how to finish the sentence and he shook his head again as he stalked to where his socks and shoes lay next to his button up shirt.

“To prove the rumors true? Bit late for that, don’t you think?” he snapped as he shrugged into his second shirt and sat on the foot of the bed to pull his socks on and shove his feet into his shoes. He turned to look at Veronica, who was staring at him as if she didn’t know who he was.

Fine by him. He didn’t know her either.

“Logan, what-why are you-“ She stopped because she wasn’t sure what she wanted to ask. She wanted to know what had happened. Last night, in the past few weeks. She wanted to know why he had started acting like this, why he couldn’t see that she had just been doing what she thought was right by standing by her father.

Neither of them said anything for a moment as Logan stood up. He didn’t look at her as he headed for the door before he stopped when she said his name.

“Are you going to tell anyone?” She bit her lip as she asked and she wondered just how she’d be able to explain that to her father.

He turned to sneer at her. “As if I’d ever admit to lowering myself so much that I ended up in bed with you, Veronica.” He didn’t say anything else as he turned and walked out of the room, leaving Veronica staring after him, a single tear going down her face.

But hearts could never leave me bleeding
Becoming the cause and burden
The lesson begins unlearning
And it has never been forgiving my dear


Veronica stared at herself in the mirror, happy for once that her dad wasn’t in town. She didn’t know how she’d have explained the writing on her car windows or why she was only coming home now.

Her face was streaked with mascara from crying, her dress was torn, her body sticky and sore.

She’d always thought that when she lost her virginity, it’d be to Duncan. And if they weren’t married, they’d at least have been together for years so it’d be okay because they’d probably end up married.

Instead, she’d gotten Logan and a guest room in someone else’s house and a night she couldn’t remember.

It didn’t matter that Logan had once been one of her closest friends. It didn’t matter that she knew who she’d been with because she couldn’t remember any of it. She still felt dirty, violated.

Her breath began to come faster as she tried to remember the night before, remember anything. There was nothing. Crying out she grabbed the nearest thing and threw it, watching as it smashed against the wall. She swallowed and moved forward to see what she had thrown and stared down at a now broken picture of herself with Lilly, Duncan, and Logan.

The irony of that was not lost on her and Veronica could feel laughter building up inside her until she couldn’t stop it. She didn’t fight it, just let the laughter come until it turned to sobs.

Can’t think of what to say
I can’t think of what to do
I just think I might be losing my mind
Can’t stop this agony


The water was scalding as it pounded down on Veronica and she tilted her head back further. She didn’t mind the pain but welcomed it. She hoped the burn would help melt away the hurt until it fell away from her and went down the drain.

It had to because she wasn’t sure how much more she could take.

She stood there, unmoving until an idea came to her and then suddenly she was grabbing the washcloth and scrubbing herself.

She’d help the hurt go down the drain.

She stayed that way for almost an hour and the now cold spray felt like needles on her raw skin until finally she turned the water off.

The hurt from earlier, from these last few weeks, wasn’t gone entirely. She wasn’t sure if it ever would be. She just knew she had to try and make it disappear.

This was her driving thought as she stood and stared at herself in the mirror. The water dripped to the floor as she shivered, wiping the condensation from the mirror. She fought back the urge to cry anymore and began to dry herself off, pausing only when an idea came to her.

She knew how to make it go away.

Apathy returns it’s offense
But only after I get moving
Relax and begin the change
In time for the newest age


Monday morning came and whispers of Veronica’s behavior at the party were a main topic, which wasn’t anything unusual. It seemed to be nothing more than the typical Monday morning at Neptune High.

Until Veronica walked through the doors, chin held high, hair cut above her shoulders, all signs of the open and friendly girl gone, hidden behind a mask of indifference.

In that moment, it was clear that things were about to change.

Cancel my therapy cause
I just thought of you
and now I feel fine

 
 
 
Ravenjaded_icy_rose on January 30th, 2006 10:56 pm (UTC)
Loved it. Simple as that.

No other words can describe it.
Nicole: Giddy!Spike!blue_icy_rose on January 31st, 2006 12:22 am (UTC)
Why thank you! *g* And thanks for the order (no other word for it) to post this.

Now...I must write something happy to counteract this!
you know you're better than this: Veronica wakes up alonesuivreletoile on January 30th, 2006 11:15 pm (UTC)
This is heartbreaking. And makes me want to kill Logan (which is in character, for what he was like back then...).

That's my way of saying good job, btw.
Nicole: The cool kids.blue_icy_rose on January 31st, 2006 12:25 am (UTC)
Thank you so much!

This is heartbreaking. And makes me want to kill Logan

Again, thank you. Because I was definitely going for a much harsher version of Logan than we saw and figured that at the time period and in that situation, his reaction wouldn't be pretty. So even though I normally love Logan, I'm glad I got such a strong reaction out of you! ^_^
Maellehidelawaylmae on January 31st, 2006 05:33 am (UTC)
God! Logan was such a jackass in this! I was pissed at him at the end. But this is an amazing fic! I loved this. It's a different path from the other AU ones I've read where everything goes all fluffy when Veronica wakes up and finds she's slept with Logan. This is a lot more realistic although I still want to kick Logan's ass! Again, this was awesome!

Also, I hope you don't mind, I've friended you so I can keep reading your fics. Please friend me back? :)
Nicole: A BSB song for L/V! lmaoblue_icy_rose on January 31st, 2006 12:38 pm (UTC)
Thanks so much! *grin* As you can see, I'm grinning from the feedback.

And I definitely don't mind. I love making new friends and will be friending you back as soon as I finish typing this. ^_^
Kammikammgirl on January 31st, 2006 06:41 am (UTC)
God sometimes I hate Logan. In canon and in fic. You really made me hate him here. My heart is breaking for Veronica. This is an interesting catalyst to how Veronica became who she is. I am a Veronica fan first and always, and I feel like crying for her. You captured her pain perfectly. Still, the part of me that loves L/V is hoping things can work out. There will be more right?
Nicole: Smart ass. Yeah that fits.blue_icy_rose on January 31st, 2006 12:41 pm (UTC)
Since Logan is a favorite character of mine it may sound weird that I'm glad I managed to make you hate him in this. But I am! The fact that you felt so strongly about this makes me feel great.

Yes, I love L/V as well. *glances at header* I'm guessing that's obvious, lol, so I'd love to see things work out. Not sure if there'll be more but once I get a bit further into my other fics, I'll definitely consider it. Who am I kidding? I'm already considering it. Thanks for the wonderful feedback!
Amber: VM: LoVe;whenfriendsdreamsinvisible on January 31st, 2006 06:56 am (UTC)
Brava. I like that you didn't betray either's character in this alternate reality. Very emotionally invoking.
Nicole: Let him in Veronica!blue_icy_rose on January 31st, 2006 12:42 pm (UTC)
Thank you! That's what I was most worried about so I'm glad you think it stayed in character for them both.
Jadefickledame on January 31st, 2006 08:51 am (UTC)
This is excellent! Very powerful and made me cy.

Thanks for sharing.
Nicole: Beauty - Logan & Veronicablue_icy_rose on January 31st, 2006 12:43 pm (UTC)
Thank you so much! *hands you a tissue*
Jadefickledame on January 31st, 2006 12:47 pm (UTC)
I also put it in my favourites list in my memories. Thanks again!
Nicole: He was yours & you let him go why?blue_icy_rose on January 31st, 2006 02:34 pm (UTC)
Oh, wow. And thank you again! And let me add that I love your icon!
Mary: Comma Sutramary_re on January 31st, 2006 08:59 am (UTC)
I actually found this spot-on for Logan... He's really good at being vicious, and if your AU scenario had occurred, I could see him saying all this.

But right now, I'm craving a sequel... I'll probably be imagining one in my head all day. I'd love to find out how the rest of the season would occur without the event of her rape hanging over her head as an ever-present mystery; if Her and Logan would still end up developing that odd relationship-type thing, and if so, how different the chemistry would be between them.

In other words, this story really make me think about the first season again, which is I'm guessing the mark of a really good story. I'll be looking forward to more from you.
mishanemishane on January 31st, 2006 09:13 am (UTC)
Aha...seconded. It would be really nice as an alternate season 1. I never thought about how it would be it were Logan that had sex with her. How Duncan would react if he found out and how Logan and Veronica would treat each other and if it would end up differently for them. This would be very interesting and I would be really excited to read it. Are you planning on doing more? There are so many ways you could go with this.
Nicole: Love triangle of VM.blue_icy_rose on January 31st, 2006 12:51 pm (UTC)
Thank you so much!

How Duncan would react if he found out

Now that's one that I hadn't even thought of! (Of course, I'm thinking of it now.)

I may do more but like I said, I'd have to decide on whether or not I'd pick up directly after this or go into season 1. But it's a definite possibility. Right now though, I'm going to concentrate on rewriting the next chapter of Wrong since it mysteriously disappeared. *glares across the miles at my mother's laptop*
Nicole: Snark thy name is Logan.blue_icy_rose on January 31st, 2006 12:48 pm (UTC)
Wow, thank you for the awesome feedback. I'll admit that I gave a bit of thought on what it would be like if she knew who she slept with but I hadn't made any concrete plans for a sequel. Mostly because I'm trying to decide where I'd go from there, if I'd show the direct aftermath or start showing key events from season 1.

In other words, this story really make me think about the first season again, which is I'm guessing the mark of a really good story. I'll be looking forward to more from you.

Again, thank you!
Shane: better timeshavemy_heart on January 31st, 2006 09:45 am (UTC)
I almost didn't read this because honestly, I'm not in the mood right now to read angsty stuff. I couldn't help myself though. I know since you wrote it, it would be good. It broke my heart of course. I do love that even though she knew who she slept with this time, the fact that she couldn't remember it and Logan treated her like crap afterwards, still caused the change into the Veronica we all love.
Nicole: Veronica 1.0 about to be 2.0blue_icy_rose on January 31st, 2006 12:54 pm (UTC)
Thank you! I actually wrote this because I was trying to write the fic for the song you requested, "Caught Up In You" and I kept finding ways to make it into angst which caused me to throw my hands up in frustration. (I'm determined to keep that one positive!) So, I had to get this one out so I could finish that one. That said, I am sorry that it broke your heart but thank you for wonderful compliment!
a city in the dark: alyson retro picimmortal_teacup on January 31st, 2006 02:46 pm (UTC)
omg. this was amazing, great job :)
Nicole: Can't blame her really.blue_icy_rose on February 2nd, 2006 01:05 pm (UTC)
Thank you!
lapdogdesign: VM Logan IveHadEnough A_Red_Spotlapdogdesign on January 31st, 2006 06:24 pm (UTC)
Wow. This was really powerful. Absolutely in character especially early S1 Logan. I can totally see him reacting this way or worse. God, he was such a shit back then! I absolutely hated him, in canon and in your story. Amazing since I'm a total L/V shipper now.

This could be an excellent start to an awesome alternate S1 if you wanted to continue.

Nicely done!
Nicole: A BSB song for L/V! lmaoblue_icy_rose on February 2nd, 2006 01:07 pm (UTC)
And again, I'm kind of happy that I was able to make you hate Logan. Since I'm a complete L/V shipper as well, that sounds a bit weird, I know. But true.

I may eventually continue this but I'm going to focus on my other stories first. That way, if I continue with it, I can give it full attention. ^_^

Thanks for the wonderful feedback!
Ashlifeisabeachx18 on February 5th, 2006 04:44 pm (UTC)
Loved it
I loved this fic. It was different and I liked that. It seemed real and I enjoyed that. I really wish you would write more to this. :) I loved it.
Nicole: Can I have him?blue_icy_rose on February 8th, 2006 12:43 pm (UTC)
Re: Loved it
Thank you! I'm so glad that you liked it and thought that it was believable. There may be more to it later but I'm going to work on my other stories first.

Again, thank you so much!
Lisaexposed1 on November 21st, 2006 06:53 pm (UTC)
Hey Sweetie, this was amazing! You totally made me hate Logan and damn I love the tie-in from what she was to what she became. Beautiful job!
Nicole: Fredblue_icy_rose on February 21st, 2007 06:32 am (UTC)
So, I don't think I ever got the e-mail saying that you had commented. *kicks LJ* I only found out now because I'm doing a master fic list (pain in the butt!). LOL. But thanks! I'm pretty proud of this piece so I'm glad you liked it. ^_^